from now on my penis is your penis
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
