mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
