Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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