there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
