I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
