I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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