Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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