maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
