Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
