I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
