I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
