I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
