I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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