my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
