so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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