my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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