my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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