I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
