He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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