Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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