she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
