I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
