I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
