I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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