she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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