i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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