I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
