Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
