It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Farmville is her only friend.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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