hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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