if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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