ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize