you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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