He felt like a one man threesome
He passed out mid-signature
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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