How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sext me about skeletons
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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