Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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