I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
