you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
