what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
