cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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