my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
