Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
