dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
