Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
