I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
