I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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