Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize