How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
