Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
