haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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