I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just googled if crying burns calories
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
