If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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