she looked like the bat from fern gully.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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