I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
