everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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