just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
