In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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