I just threw up on my dentist
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize