Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize